Methinks the homeowners mused "hey, we could get more money for this house if we add on another bathroom!" Pressed for space, they settled for a half bath - probably carved out of a closet - that should really be called a 1/8 bath. With barely space for a toilet and a vanity, only your sveltest guests may wee. Others will have to use the restroom at the gas station down the street or hold it until they get home.
Beware the "designer" carpet colors and styles, for when they go out of style (and THEY WILL), your house will look as dated as a year-old gallon of milk.
Oh, wallpaper. Your style is too specific and doesn't work for everyone.
Looks like they got themselves some mahbuwl cahwlums. They make your house look like a palace. Like a castle.
What is that, the Playboy mansion? It's ridiculous!
Nothing says "I've got money and power" like mahbuwl cahwlums!
Sadder yet, the mahwbul may be FAUX mahwbul because the ad says the house features "faux finishes". Faking the funk, eh? It's ridiculous!
This honeyed bit of hell comes from a multi-million-dollar home in a prestigious suburb. Perhaps it's the light that makes every wooden surface appear to gleam with the patina of 14K gold plate, but if a woody study was the intent, this is a C minus. And the white ceiling breaks consistency.
Money can buy you fug, that's for sure.
I won't even rag on the bright blue instrument case in the foreground. It's actually not my least liked thing about the room. It's my favorite! It adds a touch of "please don't take this seriously, the owner is rich enough to be called 'eclectic' instead of 'strange'" to the space.
Ad calls it "one of a kind" and plays up its location. Can you spot the house? Are you sure? I see what looks like some wood and perhaps a window frame. This feels like playing hide-and-seek with a tree monster.
At some point in the 80's, the circular womblike bookcase below was designed and built. It was a bad idea then, and is a worse idea now.
It probably came with the glass-plastic-and-vinyl dining room table. A matched set of outdated fug is better than a mismatched set. Gotta coordinate!
Sadly, it is unclear whether the dining room furniture comes with the house. But! Some of that 80's flair will remain behind. The mirrored fireplace which I have now dubbed the Mirrorcase will remind you every day that you should really call your contractor, like, now.
Ad says the pool comes "as-is". As-is is pretty farking nasty.
Have fun throwing your money into cleaning up this hole in the ground. Better yet, let nature reclaim it. This is northern Illinois. A pool here spends time covered up with snow than hosting swimmers.
Here's a dining room with horrid wallpaper. But what makes this house truly "special" as the ad says, in my opinion is the odd arched entryway topped off by the tacky fluorescent ceiling light. That wall has to GO. So does the floral wallpaper nightmare and the chandelier that looks like what Ruby Tuesday just threw out.
Blame the homeowner or blame the photographer for this one?
Photo shows tile abutting linoleum. Please tell me full replacement of the linoleum with the tile was in progress; even if so, why put up a photo like this?
Next:
Living room linoleum, even worse than living room tile. Ugh.
Finally:
I take back the "linoleum replacement" comment. Is this dining room table resting on a linoleum island surrounded by a sea of brown tile? FAIL.
Behind the clutter on top of the piano is a small window. At least I think it's a window and not an artificially lighted velvet painting.
A window is supposed to be a good thing. The owner understood this, and determined to prevent any good features of the house from appearing in the photos, proceeded to cover things up with as much clutter as possible.
Next on the tour is a junky bedroom featuring a desk with crap under it and a dresser surrounded by even more clutter. And again with blocking the windows with clutter. The sellers are "very motivated". Apparently not motivated enough to clean up their house or anything.
Tile floors in living rooms always seems cheap to me. I've seen House Hunting shows where the people are looking at homes in say, Costa Rica, and all of the homes have tile floors throughout. That makes sense in a warm-weather climate, but not in the chilly Midwest. A tile living room floor in the Chicago area in winter begats cold tootsies. Why would somebody want tile living room floors in a cold climate? Unless it's to make it easier to hose down the cat and dog poop collecting in the corners...you never know.
Anycheap, here's a tile living room floor, with not even a rug to soothe your feet and soften the cheaposity.
"There is visible mold, be cautious...use due diligence when showing...water damage...flood insurance may be required..." and then get this: "Easy to show". All in the same paragraph.
Tear it down, start over, maybe do not buy.
Good luck!
YES! That 80's Giant Fork and Spoon on the wall in this Northwoods-ish-theme kitchen. The homeowners went with a half-assed attempt at Northwoods decor in other rooms of the house, so I guess Bigfoot's spoon and Sasquatch's fork fit right in. The homeowners absolutely HAVE to throw those in with the sale. How can they not? The spoon and fork sell the kitchen.
Seriously, that Giant Fork and Spoon were in my family's kitchen when I was growing up. Memories, all alone in the moooonliiiiight....never mind.
If I were the seller of this "needs work, may take time" house, I'd slap my real estate agent for posting these blocky camera phone shots in my ad.
Then again, the house sounds like a disaster based on the ad's text. Maybe these shots were for the best.
Next time, use a real camera and apply the "watercolor" filter in Photoshop. Dirty art!
Is that a microwave oven built into a palm-frond-papered wall that I see in this kitchen?
WHY?!
This spotlit linoleum hallmark of poor design is waiting for your contractor's gentle mallet. I wouldn't reheat anything in that wall microwave if I were you.
At least, I think it's a microwave. It might be some sort of magic portal to the psychedelic Other Side.
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Tidy Bowl Man, where art thou? We need you! Bring Underdog and Batman too.
Does the word "grizzossss" already exist? Because if not, it does now. Grizzossss!
Perhaps this is not a bug, it's a feature. Pre-stained toilet will save you from having to invite Cousin Petey over to drop his kids off at the pool as a "welcome home" gift.
No, Petey. No! The pool is already full.
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This house has two garages, including one with a high ceiling and giant door. Methinks the photo of the garage's innards show not only how high you can jack up your classic car thanks to the high ceilings, but how nicely the Southern redneck flag fits beneath the American one. At least America's on top.
YEE-HAW!
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Janet shrieked "What in the hell happened to this shower?!"
Hmm. Stuff taped to the fridge, hand truck, Razor scooter, zillions of pans on the stove, and what appears to be an incredibly crumbly wall. YUM!
The next time you eat something at a potluck, remember that it could've been prepared in a kitchen that looks like this.
Other photos show various crap strewn about, including a vacuum cleaner and a laundry basket. The property is listed as being owned by the county clerk. Maybe the owner really did run away...
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A few years ago, I was in love with photos of a house that was straight out of the Brady Bunch era. Retro as all get-out, but for some reason everything seemed to work well together.
From what I hear, midcentury modern is hip again. Yet, nothing can convince me that the house below is hip. This is classic fug, from the cheesy curtains to the hideous desk to the frosting on the crappy cake: gross yellow shag carpeting. Congratulations, you have just hit the fug jackpot!
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Think your kitchen is small?
Once upon forever ago when I lived in the city, I saw an ad for an apartment in a prestigious neighborhood. Vintage building, great location, close to stuff you'd want to see and do, just what the young professionals like.
Unless, you like counter and storage space in your kitchen. This place has THE smallest kitchens I have ever seen. They're so wee as to be cute. Cute li'l kitchy! Coochy coochy coo! Little bitty sinks, eensy weensy counter space, teeny tiny stove, only the best for your Barbies...I mean, tenants.
Considering that many people on the North Side subsist on restaurant meals, it probably doesn't matter. What's a young adult's kitchen for besides beer/wine storage and a PUR water filter (bottled water at home is so passe)? But the next time your kitchen feels snug, remember these apartments and stretch our your arms generously. If you're not touching both ends of your kitchen when you do this, thank somebody.
I don't think these little kitchies are fug, just wee. What the hell, take this as a moment to enjoy your countertops.
No time to clean your house in preparation for the real estate photos? Fug it! People will understand your plight and reward you with low bids like a broken toy on eBay.
Outdated yet serviceable is one thing. Filthy is another. C'mon, your house is on the market so I'd assume you want it to sell. Not everyone has the cash to granitize (overdone) their countertops and mapleize their kitchen cabinets, but Windex costs $1.99 and elbow grease is free. Clean the fug. Make it the best fug it can be.
And is that a bottle of tequila on that countertop? Maybe the owners hope nobody will notice the mess after a few shots. Does it come with the kitchen?
This place has been on the market for quite some time. The ad says it needs "TLC". Looks to me like it needs TBTD - To Be Torn Down.
Hurry up and buy it before the snow starts falling through the ceiling hole skylight.
I can imagine the lister's dilemma: "Photo or no photo on the listing? Hmm, listings with 0-1 photos rarely get views because people assume the home is too scary to be shown, so I guess I'll go with 'photo'. Might as well show 'em what they're getting into." "Getting into" is right, like whatever came crashing through the roof.
At least the hole distracts from the horribly stained carpet. A little bit. OK, not much. Does the folding chair and the suspicious-looking box come with the house?
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Of course, can't mention ceiling holes without mentioning...
the best of the worst real estate, available for you to buy. You buy it! You buy it!
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