95% Fug

Ad says "95% new". 95% new, eh? "New to you" new, or "recently bought in a store and installed" new? And what kind of time frame does "new" represent? Within this lifetime? According to the ad, the house was built just a few years ago (although it looks like a much older home with its classic design, and is quite attractive on the outside). So there's a designer or contractor someplace that put this together in the 21st century, on the same planet that you and I live on?

The basement is bad. A wooden wall being crowded out by a stone wall? It's like a busted lodge.

The bathroom is horrid. Who puts what looks like shiny aluminum tile over a block glass window in a diamond formation - and even worse, cuts the diamond formation into the tile? It's not like the entire design was set up in a diamond formation. Someone is responsible for this.

I hope these homeowners are regaining their investment, because the fug tax can be high indeed.

Glass Block Fashion Trap

Nothing says "20 years ago, someone said this was a good idea and now that person is no longer allowed in my house again" like an overabundance of 80's glass block in 2008.

  Welcome to the 80's, where the price of the home has been adjusted to 2008 numbers but the decor hasn't.

Now, for the glamorous bath, where the bather is entrapped in 80's luxury. What is that other building material, mahwbul? This here is where you take a soak after Jazzercise with a wine cooler in your hand.

Rest your Reeboks in front of the floor-to-ceiling 80's wall, contented in your decision to open a 2008 copy of the Yellow Pages and call a contractor. All this can be yours today, though it won't bring your feather-haired youth back. Damn!

Potty in a Pinch

Methinks the homeowners mused "hey, we could get more money for this house if we add on another bathroom!" Pressed for space, they settled for a half bath - probably carved out of a closet - that should really be called a 1/8 bath. With barely space for a toilet and a vanity, only your sveltest guests may wee. Others will have to use the restroom at the gas station down the street or hold it until they get home.

Papered in Fug

Oh, wallpaper. Your style is too specific and doesn't work for everyone.

Take this kitchen. It's sweet and pink and would fit right into a dollhouse for six-year-olds. It should be recreated as a sugar-coated candy statue and placed on a precious pedestal far, far away from all that is stylish and tasteful in this world.

Sad little wallpaper schemes tend to scream "old lady house" to me. Yes, there are all kinds of people out there who like wallpaper, and there are all kinds of wallpapers out there, but this hidfest in a million-dollar home is just...sad. This bathroom looks poorly lit and unwelcoming. *sniff* I think I'll just hold it until I get home, thanks. *sniff*

Finally, we bring together wallpaper and glass block for a bathroom that spans multiple eras in bad design. Floral walls, plaid valance, and black diamond tiles in the 80's shower? For some reason, I expect this bathroom to be stocked with Final Net, Gleem toothpaste, Ban Roll-On deodorant, and seven kinds of hair gel.

Potty Surprise

Tidy Bowl Man, where art thou? We need you! Bring Underdog and Batman too.

Does the word "grizzossss" already exist? Because if not, it does now. Grizzossss!

Perhaps this is not a bug, it's a feature. Pre-stained toilet will save you from having to invite Cousin Petey over to drop his kids off at the pool as a "welcome home" gift.

No, Petey. No! The pool is already full.



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Psycho Fug

Janet shrieked "What in the hell happened to this shower?!"

Let's see, the plate around the hot and cold knobs is gone, and the tile has been stripped, but they kindly left the SHOWER CADDY for the new owners to enjoy.

Shower caddy, morning bourbon holder, same diff.

That's OK, I'll just take a bath.

Miami Fug

Once upon a time, this suburban Illinois house's decor was en vogue. Crockett and Hubbs were fighting crime, glass block everywhere was de rigueur, and every hep cat had a swinging pad (oops, went back too far with that one).

This house's headline should read "Custom-Designed House Is Stuck In Past". Get a load of that bathroom. I wonder how much champagne bubble bath has been put to use in that Jacuzzi?

Well if you can't be in Miami, might as well bring Miami to your potty.



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